HS Bloggers: Nora Hubbell MDI HS #5

Follow senior distance runner Nora Hubbell of Mt Desert Island as she blogs about her xc season. Hubbell fInished 9th in the Class B State chapionship 2 years ago, last fall she ended her season early. She runs for the 2 time defending state champions MDI, who will be going for a 3rd title in a row this fall.

 

As a foreword I want to say that this is a post that has existed on my computer in some form or another for a long time, and I decided today that I wanted to finish and actually publish it. I have another blog that I was going to post next but I decided that it was time to post this one.

     This year has been very difficult for me. Late last December, I started to become very depressed, which caused me to lose most of my motivation. Most days I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I was very stressed and had a heavy course load, which in combination with the depression caused me to fall behind in my classes. This was extremely difficult for me as school and homework had come very easily to me until then and I wasn’t used to struggling with either. I began to see a therapist in an attempt to get my life back on track. Weeks passed, a new semester began, and even with all new classes I was already falling behind. The end of indoor track hit me very hard and the weeks following New Englands were some of the worst of this entire year. I was missing at the very least two days of school per week. I started taking antidepressants, as I was basically not functioning.

     When outdoor track started it seemed like things were looking up, as the medication and running seemed to help me. I had to go to at least three practices a week to compete in meets, and I had to go to school to be able to go to practices, so this got me out of bed in the morning. However, after a few weeks the medication began to make my depression worse and track practices weren’t motivating me as much. Without track, it’s very likely that I wouldn’t have attended school at all, simply because I couldn’t get myself out of bed.

     I ended up not officially finishing any of my classes in the second semester, which made me angrier and more disappointed in myself, and subsequently caused me to sink further into depression. This was accentuated since I had to come to terms with it during June, when I couldn’t run. At that point, the endorphins from running had been functioning as my medication, since I had had to change medications and it took several weeks for them to start to work.

     I told very few people about my problems, although I think eventually others may have found out or guessed. Looking back on it, this was out of embarrassment, which is why I wanted to explain this on such a public forum. I felt like being depressed and not functional at times was a failure on my part, and not the cause of a chemical imbalance in my brain. The truth is that depression, anxiety, and any other mental illnesses should not be embarrassing or taboo. For the majority of this year, I have been genuinely sick, and although depression hasn’t manifested itself like the flu or a cold, it is just as real. Unlike some other sicknesses, it’s never going to completely disappear, but as I am beginning to discover, it is possible to beat it back and keep living your life relatively unhindered.

      I’ve learned this over the course of this summer. I’ve been running again, although up until recently I was feeling weak and fatigued. This past week I’ve started feeling much better while running and I feel infinitely more like myself. I’ve finally found a medication that seems to be working, and I’m on track to apply to college this fall with the rest of the class of 2014, which is something that seemed impossible to me six months ago.

       My depression isn’t gone and some days I still don’t want to get out of bed, but it’s happening less often now. As I continue to return to normal, I’m realizing how lucky I was and still am to have running. I’m incredibly thankful to be able to run, because without it I don’t think I would be anywhere near where I am now. Partially, this is because of the elating effects of the endorphins from running, which at times has been the best antidepressant possible, but also because of the friends I have made through this sport. The majority of people that I told about my depression were friends I wouldn’t know without running. They were incredibly loving and supportive, and I can’t thank them enough for supporting and caring about me, especially when I couldn’t do that for myself.

         I don’t know if there’s anyone reading this that is struggling with depression, whether it is formally diagnosed or otherwise, but if you feel the way I felt I want to promise you that it does get better eventually, even if it takes time. It’s not something that people say just to comfort you, I promise it’s true. Until then, talk to someone you love and trust about how you’re feeling, especially if you’re suicidal or self-harming. Expressing your feelings is very relieving, more than you can imagine. I’ve found that depression is much more common than you might think, and many people will be understanding and willing to help you. If you feel like there isn’t someone in your own life you can talk to, I welcome you to message me on Facebook or contact me somehow. I know where you’ve been and I would love to help you. Don’t be ashamed. You are sick, not a failure. Stay strong. Thank you so much for reading this very long post, and I promise that the next one will be much more running oriented!